give    (gĭv) 
v.  gave (gāv), giv·en (gĭv’ən), giv·ing, gives

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/give  i would cut and paste the meaning of give, but there was none simple and short enough for me to copy. so i put the URL instead. for those who want it and be awed by the complicated explanation for a simple word.

*sits by the window and rubs her shoulders in the cold*

first and foremost, i beg you all for forgiveness since i hardly put up entries as often as i used to. life has been complicated lately and i sometimes sit alone wondering why. "why what lyzzie?" well, alot of things.

there comes a time in everyone’s life we feel like everything’s perfectly flawed. we want changes but we dont wanna lose what we already have. we say we can do better but we feel here and now is the best thing you could ever have. we say we want a different life but you are unsure of how to live your life differently. it all comes down to one thing: choices.

im not gonna go into the usual cliche abt how everyday is abt making choices. u know all that already. but i am gonna tell you to stand by your decision. bcoz not only do they affect you, they affect everyone that is around you, directly or not.

Give or Take. When faced with decisions some people weigh the options and give in, others retreat and take everything they can to save themselves. i dont need to tell you life is about giving and taking. im sure your parents, or some kind soul willing enough to teach u some life lessons would have touched upon this topic. sure, we all know life is abt giving and taking. but the problem is noone can teach us WHEN we need to give, or take. thats all up to us to decide. and sometimes, to save everything we love, we need to give AND take. do you?

Give Ground. In a war, when opposition realises he is losing the war and would save more if he gave ground, smart leaders would do just that. true. it’s subjective. some people believe you should fight it out till you have nothing left. most people i know would give ground to the more powerful force as soon as they realise there’s that possibility that they’ll lose. some, fight thru all the way to the very end. "what do YOU do lyzma?" if i was in war, i’d ask myself why i was in the war in the first place, before i take a stance to retreat or fight. but where my heart concerns, i fight. *looks on quietly* do you need my white flag?

*fiddles with her engagement ring*

Give In. And then there are days you feel like just giving up everything you’ve been fighting for. all those passion you felt, happiness, vigor smothered by pain, fatigue and anger from not seeing the fruits of your labour. you toy with the thought of just throwin in the towel, just drop everything and leave. start over. you want so much to give in to the feelings of defeat that you lose sight of your very goal. but then a memory flash reminds you abt what you’ve been fighting for, and you realise you would much rather fight all the way even if you lose, bcoz then at least you can tell yourself, "i know i tried my best, and though i lost the war, i won life’s battles thruout the journey." we may both want to give it all up, darling, but i cant imagine a tomorrow without you. could you?

when you feel like everything that has been done, everything you give is not good enough, what do you do?

i say give somemore.

God Bless,
BlackWiDoe

Deep

Deep\, n. 1. That which is deep, especially deep water, as the sea or ocean; an abyss; a great depth.

Courage from the deeps of knowledge springs. –Cowley.

The hollow deep of hell resounded. –Milton.

Blue Neptune storms, the bellowing deeps resound. –Pope.

2. That which is profound, not easily fathomed, or incomprehensible; a moral or spiritual depth or abyss.

Thy judgments are a great deep. –Ps. xxxvi. 6.

Deep of night, the most quiet or profound part of night; dead of night.

The deep of night is crept upon our talk. –Shak.

*beckons you to sit with her by the sea*

i’ve always loved the sea, the ocean. the vastness, so endless. when you cup a handful worth of seawater, you can only imagine the journey that handful have gone thru, and will go thru as soon as u return them back to the sea. the treasures that fill within are unimaginable. so many creatures, so much life cohibiting the dark waters below. so much more to discover, and yet we are overwhelmed by what we already know.

*smiles*

you probably are wondering why im going on and on abt the sea. nothing really. im just appreciating God’s magnificent creation, not that any other creation of His is anything less than magnificent. but while the topic is abt Him, i shall ask you, do you believe in Fate? as in predestined. and the things that happened are not based on luck. they happened for a reason. He paved the roads for us, we just walk along as it is. what’s to be, to be. or are you the kind that believes things happen as YOU choose it to be. you decide what goes on, and who your heart chooses. im the former. what do YOU believe?

Deep Messages from UpAbove: I’ve always believed that every person i meet or everything that happened has an agenda for me to learn from. a mistake, a lesson learned, an advice, etc. which is why im completely open abt meeting new people. i meet these people for a reason, and i intend to know what that reason is. sometimes it takes several years before i figure it out. other times i know even as it is happening. most times i know He is telling me to resist temptation, to learn from my repeated mistakes. other times it holds several agenda to that one person i meet. eitherway, i feel that as and when i figure out the message He wants to portray to me, i could be a better person. i know He wants me to be one.

Our Deep Connection [Friends]: i could name so many people whom i am fortunate enough to have as friends. but the closest to my heart, i can only name a few. Abg, i could never replace you. Never. i may not be the best lil sister an older brother can get, sworn siblings or not, but i treasure you nonetheless. i know your trust in Him is diminishing by the day, but i doubt thats His intention. i pray you will find your way out thru these dark times. Joce, Jo, Jing. my precious precious sisters. we may have had our rough times, our friendship tested time and time again. and i know much can be done to improve the situations as it is. which is why i know we would stay the besties for many years to come. aisha (work), heh. gerl, we’ve only known each other for several months, but did u know i actually detested you at first? but i grew to like you, and we clicked instead. i appreciate your presence in my life, and i hope it grows to something more lasting.

Our Deep Connection [Him]: i left this for last is because i know this long entry would deter some readers from completing the whole entry. but for those who are staying with me all the way till the end of this entry, Thank You. No, this aint the mushy stuff going on and on abt how much i love him. on the other hand, i would like to tell you abt why i intend to marry this man. yes, for those who do not know yet, im getting married sometime next yr. hold the shock for a tad longer. first and foremost, i love him. i know its only been a couple of months (ok, you can pick up ur jaw from the floor now) since i knew him, but have you had the feeling that you’re making the ryte choice? to say he’s my true love would be too cliche, but he’s perfect to me in every way possible. his flaws pale in comparison to his heart. *pauses to wipe away a tear and smiles on* i’ve never cried in happiness, but a mere kiss from him could get the tap leaking. *chuckles*  this is too deep for me to put in words for you guys to understand, but i can tell u this, love feels amazing. euphoric. even better when its reciprocated. now i understand all the love songs, all the poems and the things people say abt finding The One. i dont need to elaborate. Words will never be enough. But trust me, the wait is worth it.

worth every second.

Till next time, God Bless,
BlackWiDoe

dark·ness /ˈdɑrknɪs/ [dahrk-nis]

have you ever thought why sometimes u just can’t see the world around you, no matter how bright the day may seem? have u ever felt like when you hope, you dunno what you’re hoping for? have you ever felt like you saw too much, that even when you close ur eyes to seek comfort in the darkness, images haunt you unbearably?

I leave the light for the dark. When i first grew up independantly, i’ve always had a certain distaste for men. No ive not grown lesbian of late. But men have always been something that is not important in my life, something that will just happen later, never now. It could be i didnt understand them enough. It could be that i understood them too well. Ironically my good frens were mostly males. But that was all there was to it. Frens. To me, men come and go. And never needed much thinking about. Then you came along. And i took a step out from my light.

I’m afraid. When you step into the dark from your light, that is when it is the darkest. And that moment is the split second that makes u lose your bearings. You know you’re supposed to stay calm. You know u made this choice, and going back to the light is the coward’s way out. So you brace yourself and walk forward, trying to remember the face, the voice, that made you make this decision. Thoughts fleet thru your mind. Bad thoughts. Your imagination turns against you and you start thinking of things around you, things that you can’t see. Of what they could do to you. But his voice. So assuring. So calm. Calling me…

Reach out for me. Please. I’m walking blindly. In the darkness i walk, overwhelmed with fear, insecurity, as well as hope. My past whispers to me in my head, your voice calling to me out loud. I grope hopelessly out in front of me, wishing so much i’d touch you, not a wall, not the monsters from my nightmares, and not to fall into another dark hole again. I want so much to call out to you. But i fear if i cry out loud i’d drown out your voice, the only salvation i have. So I listened.

I see it. I see your light. And then you lighted up ur candle. With your face lit up by the light and your smile, my fears drowned, the whispers only an echo. As i near you, you tell me about the future, the bad things and the good. You promise we’ll build a light together, a light big enough to brighten up if not the room, then our worlds. But you also tell me that things wont always be so bright. You say there could be days when we will have to work hard just to keep the light going. You ask me if i was willing to take a chance, with no turning back, to do this, with you. I smiled in the darkness and I took your hand.

I’m taking a chance. A risk, I know. I might end up broken hearted, disappointed, tainted even. But this is something i will never regret. Bcoz ryte now, this is exactly what i want.

God Bless,
BlackWiDoe

af·ter·math   æftərˌmæθ

–noun

1.	something that results or follows from an event, esp. one of a disastrous or unfortunate nature; consequence: the aftermath of war; the aftermath of the flood.

2.	a new growth of grass following one or more mowings, which may be grazed, mowed, or plowed under.

---

—Synonyms 1. outcome, result, upshot.

when things happen and u go with the flow, no matter what the results would be, u move on ryte?

ryte.

"i see you, but i cant touch you." : u are there. in front of me. ure in front of my eyes, but ure still a million miles away. breaking up was the best for the both of us because we could never click if we cant touch each other. God was cruel to let me love you although i never could have you. but God was kind to let me see you enough to allow me to love you. baby, you’ll always be in my heart.

"i feel you, but i cant see you" : sure i feel your kisses on my neck, ur soft breath on my neck as u sleep, your kiss on my forehead when u lean on me, ur caress when i close my eyes, your warmth of a hug when i shiver. but despite all i could feel from you, you are nowhere in sight. i grasp desperately in midair hoping to catch you, to hold you close. but darling, when i want you, ure not there. how can i be sure you’ll be there when i need you? how can i be sure ur kisses are meant for me, and me only when i can nv see you? how do i reach you, when i can only wait for ur touch? need i wait?

"i hear you, but i neither see nor feel you." : no youre not the tiny voice that yells within the walls of my mind, nor are u a hallucination. you tell me of my mistakes, reminding me of the advices you lent in view of my problems. but when im out there in the world, im pretty much alone, no matter how much you say or how loud u shout. i hear you, but should i listen? do i follow the instructions of someone who is not there with me, or shall i follow my heart?

in the aftermath of it all, i sit here alone, staring into the blank spaces of the universe, afraid of the future, mindful of the past and recovering from the present.

i clench my fist to feel the ring, i hug myself to remember his warmth, i close my eyes to listen again.

in a day, 3 men embrace me. in the same day, 3 men lost me.

God Bless,
BlackWiDoe

se·cret (sē’krĭt)

adj. 

1. Kept hidden from knowledge or view; concealed.
2. Dependably discreet.
3. Operating in a hidden or confidential manner: a secret agent.
4. Not expressed; inward: their secret thoughts.
5. Not frequented; secluded: wandered about the secret byways of Paris.
6. Known or shared only by the initiated: secret rites.
7. Beyond ordinary understanding; mysterious.
8. Containing information, the unauthorized disclosure of which poses a grave threat to national security.

n. 

1. Something kept hidden from others or known only to oneself or to a few.
2. Something that remains beyond understanding or explanation; a mystery.
3. A method or formula on which success is based: The secret of this dish is in the sauce.
4. Secret A variable prayer said after the Offertory and before the Preface in the Mass.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

This would most likely be the juiciest entry by far, juicy enough to keep u interested, but not completely to make things too simple for everyone. otherwise there would be no secrets.

The Obliged Secret: honesty is a tough job to keep, and the most loyal of us would try to stay in a job for as long as possible. but really, when u start asking urself "when on earth am i leavng this place?!", lets face it, ur hatred for ur job is no secret anm. myb to everyone who sees ur smiles, but not u. u, who really matter here. im starting to tire of my routine work. i like it, but i get bored far too easily. and the reason why i call this a secret is bcoz this is the most frank i have spoken of my job since the promotion. anything more might land me jobless. LOL.

The Lonely Secret: try this: draw one complete cricle. pretty? draw another one, on top of each other, but not directly. see an intersection? keep doing the same, randomly, doesnt matter if the circles are not on top of each other all the time or the sizes differ. you’ll end up with a piece of paper that is full of circles, no direct linkage, no direct pattern. done? k. put one small dot anywhere on the paper. happy? good. but before u ask "lyz, wdf are u asking us to do here?", lemme give u the representations. the circles being my social circles my whole life, the sizes of the circles being the number of frens i have in each circle, and the small lil dot is me. dont get it? sit and think.

The Jaded Secret: imagine ure the middleman for a couple who is forever fighting. u constantly defend one, explaining for another. caught in the middle, u feel like ure living a nightmare thats not urs. ure tired of defending, ure tired of helping. but you stay on. bcoz u have to. u never tell them ure sick and tired of them fighting but instead let it grow within into a stone so heavy, it weighs u down everytime u think abt them. u wanna save them but u cant. u wanna leave but u cant. worse, u cant save yourself either. ure caught. getting the picture yet? good. now imagine that couple is ur parents.

The Cruel Secret: lying to another person is one thing, lying to urself is a whole thing altogether. how do look that person straight in the eye and say something u dont mean? what if i dare u to test my honesty and ask me if im lying to u? would u be able to sniff me out? would u want to find out the painful truth? can u handle the truth? nevermind you, wat abt me? let me give u an idea of what goes thru my head when i say something: is that really true? do u honestly think its necessary to lie? what IS the truth really? can she/he handle it? are u brave enough to tell her/him? what are ur excuses? do u really think u can get awae with it? did u WANT to lie to that person?

The Eternal Secret: if ure wondering how i plan to spend the rest of my days, its simple really. i work, receive, protect. applies to everything i do in life. My life secret to being the pessimistic optimist.

What’s ur secret?

God Bless,
BlackWiDoe

everyone has an idea of what perfection is in their minds. but you see, that’s all there is to it: an idea.

what do u do, when you feel everything that happens around you is not good enough? is not right? not perfect? i was in the car when i was thinking of it. and like most times, Mr Okeh just held my hand when he knew i was deep in thought, knowing better than to ask what’s wrong.

the world aint perfect. it was. once, a long time ago. before Man exploited Her resources and gave nothing in return. now, with the upgrade of my jobscope, my eyes are opened wider at the rate the world is declining, and unfortunately i am one of the species that are responsible for Her decline. but now i have a voice. with every guest that boards my tram, i know i can get a message thru. i can only say so much, but a message is still a message. the trees are falling, the animals are disappearing, the seas are rising. i have this awful feeling He is deliberately leaving us last for extinction to feel all the pain of the world we have caused for our greed and ignorance.

we aint perfect. but however i stand and preach, i am fully aware we are, afterall, humans. we do what we think the best, sometimes doing something wrong despite knowing the repercussions, but nonetheless, majority of us are born and raised to do good. its just basic instinct. its what sets us apart from the wildlife. but think about it, if we are a level above the animals, why are we the cause of destruction? is this where the saying " so perfect yet so flawed"  comes about? why is it so easy to cause destruction, but so difficult to prevent it, and even more to fix it?
on a personal note, i was on tram one night and was getting irritated because of persistent flashes from the guests. when i thought they were just mere hard-headed, i was wrong. the tour guide came to aid me and asked the tour leader to translate my repeated instructions to off their flashes. it taught me a lesson. sometimes its not necessarily the fault of the people around u that the problem couldnt be solved. we just need to be open to other solutions that are not necessarily taught to us. there is no perfect solution. while i only had 10 out of 80 people who understood the rest of my commentary, i was beyond relief to see the rest of the animals need not be disturbed by the flashes.

I am not perfect. as much i would try to say i know my flaws, i dont. well at least not all of them. i was getting irritated at Mr Okeh for some of the things he made a mistake with. like forgetting what my favourite Hello Panda flavour. but then i sat down. and thought abt it. as much as he’s taking me for granted,so am i. im making use of his services, although he doesnt see it that way. he believes its his duty and responsibility. im not going to give excuses to explain my exploitations, be it him or the numerous guys before him. i knew what i was doing. which all the more makes it less of a mistake and more of a crime. *blanks out* yea. guilty.

Mr Okeh, im a girl of many hidden secrets. Are you sure u want to love me?

God Bless,
BlackWiDoe

[I'm glad I'm not perfect.]

i once asked in one of my previous entries: what happens when history bites u in the ass? well, back then, i had alot of ass covering to do. and it wasnt easy.

today, its not that it bit my ass again. but history did repeat itself. in such an uncanny way i was compelled to type it on my blog. i was sitting there at work (yes, i was on auto-pilot while on tram) and i saw it all too clearly. lemme explain:

the historical physical injury: i twisted my ankles. yes. both. first the right. then the left. happened before. happened again. erm. not whole story: i had infection of the tonsils, whereby i had to postpone my interview with a certain five star hotel, and when i healed, i twisted my right ankle. THEN when i healed and wanted to arrange an appt, i twisted my left ankle. i think fate is messing with me again. in a very painful way.

the historical "other-girl" showdown: the big hoo-haa abt the other gerl starting up again. gosh. i never thought i’d see the day i had to fight with another gerl bcoz of a male, AGAIN. but i did. and she msged my poor darling while he is in China, who took the effort to call me to find out what truly happened. knowing i always say the blunt truth, he took my word over hers. Thank God.

the historical symbol of love: he bought for me a diamond ring. from SK jewelleries. yes, you dont have to remind me i’ve three others from previous relationships, but this one i intend to wear till i own a wedding ring. seriously, its gorgeous. im not surprised, judging from the price. but i reckon it’ll be nothing compared to the expected cost of my wedding ring. *sly grin*

the historical "i’m-sorry-i-left" speech: this happens when u date too much. i meet someone i really like, then he would disappear for a period of time. and me being me, i’d have moved on rather quickly. when they come back and explain why they left, they say abt how insecure they were abt me being liberal with my numerous guyfrens. and then they go on abt its not that they dont trust me, its just that they cant bear to go thru the same thing over again shud anything happen after we get serious. honestly, if u are afraid, dont bother trying. i liked you, but i never wait for someone. ive other hearts to break. sorry. (Thank God ive already found someone who DO trust me, and not someone who pretends to.)

the historical "i-told-you-not-to" situation: yea. typical situation. i tell them not to fall for me, they fall for me. i tell them i like them, they disappear. stupid men. they nv know what they want do they? i told u i’m attached. which meant i could nv be with you. dont bother waiting. nor hoping. unless He plans it, its highly likely we’ll nv be together. im sorry. u knew what u got urself into. look what uve done urself now. look how u hurt. look how i hurt seeing u hurt. whatever it is, you’ll forever be the best frend i’ll nv have. *hugs you tightly*

different time frames. different characters. same old stories. same old endings.

someone get me a new storybook.

*blinks*

Stay Lost, God Bless
BlackWiDoe

vi·ti·ate [vish-ee-eyt]

–verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.

1.	to impair the quality of; make faulty; spoil.

2.	to impair or weaken the effectiveness of.

3.	to debase; corrupt; pervert.

4.	to make legally defective or invalid; invalidate: to vitiate a claim.

---

[Origin: 1525–35; < L vitiātus, ptp. of vitiāre to spoil, der. of vitium blemish, vice¹ + -ātus -ate¹]

—Related forms

vi·ti·a·tion, noun

vi·ti·a·tor, noun

imagine spending 8 years of your life in the dark, constantly wondering what’s wrong with your body, why your experiencing the things u do. each time you ask someone you trust about the symptoms u experience, u’re told its nothing and just a phase of growing up. and u, being the trusting and naive old you, believe her and continue to suffer in silence. and wait. till the day you get the answers to your never ending qns.

remember i was hospitalised the day before hari raya? well i was discharged with UTI. but the real problem was not UTI. but rather, when they referred me to KKH, i was officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). suddenly, after all these years, that one fever which led to the hospitalization, gave me all the answers. that four letters explained why i was the way i was.

the more lazy lot of you would probably ignore the link below and ask me directly what’s PCOS. to put it simply:

Polycystic (pah-lee-SIS-tik) ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a health problem that can affect a woman’s menstrual cycle, ability to have children, hormones, heart, blood vessels, and appearance. With PCOS, women typically have:

• high levels of androgens (AN-druh-junz). These are sometimes called male hormones, although females also make them.
• missed or irregular periods
• many small cysts (sists) in their ovaries. Cysts are fluid-filled sacs.

About one in ten women of childbearing age has PCOS. It can occur in girls as young as 11 years old. PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility (not being able to get pregnant).

*pauses and blanks out*

*comes back to reality*

PCOS is the main reason for my size, the way i look, my hormonal changes,my irregular menses, my sharp abdominal pains, my depression and most importantly, my dizzy spells, amongst other symptoms. and if u do enough research, u’ll start to realise no credible website would state i can get pregnant naturally. they would subtly inform you pregnancy with PCOS is possible, but only with several help or medication. i was desperately trying to look for a reliable source that would state i could get pregnant naturally.

i failed.

i have mild PCOS. which means my menses do come, relatively regular. but ovulation is still a reason to question. i misunderstood one of the websites earlier in my understanding of my disease that my chances of natural contraception is one in three. now i better understood that pregnancy is nil without medication. which means more money. While it is possible to become pregnant, women with PCOS tend to suffer a much higher rate of miscarriages.

*stares at abdomen*

i feel vitiate. spoiled. invalidated. diseased. a failure when it is not even my fault. i asked Mr Okeh once, if he had three wishes, what would it be. the typical dream car, marital bliss and unfortunately, a wish that can never be fulfilled. my PCOS to be cured.

yes. PCOS is incurable.

*hugs herself*

the docs are still trying to decide what birth control pills to give me. ironic, since i cant pregnant. but the pills lessens the symptoms of PCOS by short-circuiting ovulation and giving the ovaries a rest from follicle production. which means no cyst production since no eggs are maturing. A.k.a menstruation + no egg. meanwhile, i’ll still have to work on losing weight. not for PCOS, but my health.

several helpful websites. be forewarned: they’re quite lengthy.

http://www.4women.gov/faq/pcos.htm
http://www.advancedfertility.com/pcos.htm
http://www.pregnancy-info.net/infertility_PCOS.html ( this one is highly recommended. almost everything is here.)
http://ezinearticles.com/?Can-a-Woman-With-PCOS-Get-Pregnant?&id=35762

beep me if u wanna know more. but please, dont pity me. im healthy enough to kick ur arse if u do.

God Bless,
BlackWiDoe